Unleash the Pickle, it’s Axel Howerton & his Hot Sinatra!
When I discovered this Christmas Pickle at the store, it didn’t seem a questionable purchase at all. In fact, the ornaments were relatively inexpensive, so went ahead and picked up two: one for me, one to give away.
The next thing you know, I’m staring down the 12 Days of Creepfest, deciding what to do in terms of giveaways and fun little shenanigans.
And when I think of shenanigans, I think of Axel Howerton. Or maybe it was Axel who thought of me. Hell, I don’t know—but after a couple of days of sniggering over emails, several snotty noses, and one broken laptop, what at first seemed only a random purchase now shines before me, a crystal clear truth: this pickle was meant for you, dear reader. And it was meant for you as an enticement, to bring you down to the level of said Howerton and myself.
But before I go any further with that, what’s that you say? WHO is this Howerton chap? I’m so glad you asked.
I met Axel during the Coffin Hop, back in October. He and the lovely Julie Jansen were the organizers, and they are genuinely fun people to know. I have said it before, but I will say it again, and this time with feeling: the Coffin Hop gang is the BEST experience I have had of meeting other writers online, ever.
It has been my pleasure getting to know Axel, whose wit is frankly so sharp as to be challenging to compete with. I can count the number of times I’ve said that about a person on one hand. (Technically, I could use less fingers than that, but I don’t want to hurt any feelings giving rude gestures.)
And aren’t those eyes just dreamy? I bet he’s green with Pickle Envy, what do you think?
Howerton is the author of Living Dead at Zigfreidt & Roy, a contributor to A Career Guide to Your Job in Hell, and more fantastic tale-spinning to come.
And lucky you, dear reader. On your behalf, I get all up in his bidnazz about that, and assorted other foolishness, herein:
Do you have a Christmas Pickle? Why or why not? How old were you when you first found the Christmas Pickle? Do you wish you’d waited? Any tips for the kids that might be looking for the pickle this year, for the first time?
I will admit, I had never even heard of the “Christmas Pickle” until a few years ago when my wife and I came across one in the Christmas store and immediately launched into several hours worth of distasteful and thoroughly obscene jokes. Later that evening, at dinner with my parents, my mother showed us her newest ornament - the Christmas Pickle. Suffice it to say, much pissing-of-the-lapkins ensued. Now that we are older - to steal from Milne - and are slightly less immature, we save the snickering and off-color jokes for closer to midnight.
Do I wish I’d waited? Don’t we all? Who really gets to experience their first time the way they wish they could? It’s always so awkward and messy and confusing. My tip to the kids is always use protection. Those pickles may not be as clean as you think they are. You may not be able to see those dirty pickle diseases, but they can see you!
Why do we have to wait until Christmas for the next Dr. Who? How do you feel about the C.S. Lewis storyline? Which Whovian monster do you hope will turn up in this one? If you could create a foe for the Doctor, what would it be like?
We have to wait because the English are bastards. Why can’t they just schedule television programming like normal people? What is this half-season, months of waiting, Christmas Day bullshit? I HAVE SHIT TO DO THAT DAY. Why don’t you just schedule them at 3am on a Tuesday? You know I have to get up and go to work, BBC. You are an asshole, BBC. I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself why I had to wait 3 years for another “series” of IT CROWD. WHY? I’ll tell you why. Because you are an ASSHOLE, man! That being said, I have complete faith in the lovely people who make Doctor Who. They have never failed to deliver magic and enjoyment and absolute satisfaction. Well, OK, except that one time when Rory had a mullet. That was uncalled for. As for monsters? I believe we need a return of the Alzarian marsh-men - and Abzorbaloff - because that wouldn’t be completely ridiculous. What I’d really like to see is Rose Tyler turn evil and be possessed by the spirit of The Rani, but be attired in her costumes from Diary of a Call Girl.
Lately, I have read so much happy crappy garbage about how great one book or another is that I feel like the following statement needs to come with a clarification: I read the sample chapter of Hot Sinatra, and it REALLY DOES sound amazing. That’s not just noise. Tell me what inspired you to write a P.I. story. Would you classify this as Noir? It’s got the great classic set-up for a detective crime story, with a quirky, believable twist. I also liked the Florence Henderson reference, a lot.
Thank you! Basically I’m just a really huge fan of old P.I. stuff. Chandler and Hammett are me boyos. Truth be told, I was sitting on the couch, reading The Big Sleep for the nine-hundredth time and I was listening to Cake’s “Frank Sinatra” on my headphones. I’d just watched The Salton Sea a few days before and it all just swirled into a perfect storm in my tiny little pea-brain. A modern P.I. who wishes he was a 40’s Dick. He plays trumpet. He gets his ass handed to him on a regular basis. He’s looking for a Sinatra record… My usual Modus Operandi is to let these things stew for a goodly while and jot down little noted here and there, until the whole thing gels in my head like Grandma’s ambrosia salad. By the time I got to writing it down it was a pretty solid skeleton. Things changed and mutated, and most of the characters came out of nowhere. But rather than explain it all, I’m going to be a solid Dude and point people to the first FOUR chapters. Keep in mind it’s a WIP. Hopefully after another revision, it’ll be ready for the editors and on it’s way to Kindles, Nooks and bookstore discount bins near you.
For those who need something else to whet their appetite after having a bite of Hot Sinatra, you’ve got a zombie story available: LD@Z&R. What inspired that one? Are you a zombie groupie? (You know, they say they are the new vampires.)
I honestly can not remember what started that one. I know I stole the mysterious Indian from an old Paul Naschy movie, the rest was probably borne of my love of Diner scenes and Sam Elliot in The Big Lebowski. Being an ordained Dudeist, I like my stories to, like, y’know, meander. But not too much, man. Just, ummm, a little here and there, a little ummm… sorry, what was the question? In all seriousness, I was a fan of Romero’s stuff and, in my younger days, the Italian school of maximum-gore zombi flicks. Now, especially after six months living under the slushpile at a horror digest, and a few years reviewing low-budget horror flicks, I think the zombie genre is played out and vanilla as vanilla. There have been a few novel approaches - my friend Scott Phillips made one of the best post-Romero zombie flicks out there, called Stink Of Flesh, which is GENIUS. I guess LD@Z&R was my attempt to do a zombie story without doing a “zombie” story. The undead beats are there, but I like to think I gave a fresh spin on the origin and the ensuing chaos of a Zombiepocalypse. To me, that’s the great thing about conventions, be it in literature or film or music. If something has built-in expectations and “rules of conduct”, I immediately want to subvert and re-work them to see how else it can be done. I don’t really consider myself a “horror” author, per se, but it’s tremendously fertile ground for warping expectations.
Tell us more about what to expect from Axel Howerton in the coming year. I hear there is a short story collection you’ve targeted for submission.
I’m dangerously procrastinating on a story for the Horror For Good anthology from Cutting Block Press. It’s a charity anthology with some really great writers in it. So even if I don’t make the deadline, I strongly encourage everyone to check it out when it comes available. I also have a flash piece submitted for the Slices of Flesh collection from Dark Moon Books. On top of that, I’m hoping to finish Hot Sinatra viddy soon and start working on a collection of my own short stories, most of which are NOT horror. There’s a couple of crime stories, a baseball story, a lot of humor. I’m hoping to put together a couple of small adventures for Moss Cole, leading mensch of Hot Sinatra for that one as well.
Thanks, Axel! Axel was kind enough to feature me today, as well, on his blog, so zap over there real fast and read my silly answers to his fabulous questions about why I hate George Lucas, refuse to acknowledge Michael Bay, and the sick, twisted way he gets me to answer questions about some Christmas classics. Oh, yeah, there’s some stuff there I haven’t told you about Troll or Derby yet, too. So go read that. Did I mention there’s a pic there of me in my roller derby gear? Ayuh.
AS IF THAT’S NOT PRIZE ENOUGH, here’s how you can win the Christmas Pickle, my lovelies!
Pickle Party Prize Pack!!
Participants (in party pants) shall paste their best Pickle Party pith in the comments at either blog. We, the writerly types, shall confer on the 15th of December, and decide upon the very filthiest of all comments, so that we can stuff the pickle in the box for the mailman, in time for the pickle to poke you in the stockings by Christmas.
The Pickle Prize Pack contains one absolutely genuine 100% real artificial Christmas Pickle (which may be sweet or sour, I’m not sure), one container of Hard Candy (which did not seem dirty at all when I bought it, but now sounds kind of obscene, in context), and one package of Christmas erasers, for erasing one’s guilty past. No, because they’re cute. That’s the Grand Prize (US only). The 2nd place winner will get an e-book copy of both This Brilliant Darkness. and Living Dead at Zigfreidt & Roy, and that prize is open internationally, so get Creepin, my friends!
P.S. If you like Axel’s book covers as much as I do, check out the designer, at eyecravepro. I know I shall.
